I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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