hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
you never un-have a 4some
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
