I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Alive.
So much puke
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
