I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
it's like heaven, but drunker
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
