She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
