My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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