I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
