I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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