Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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