god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My nipple is on Facebook.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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