I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
