I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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