dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
