Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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