I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
