I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
