after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
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Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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