:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
This is the prime rib incident all over again
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
