2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
