I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
