James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
