Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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