I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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