Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
