I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
