you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
