Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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