..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
