I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
She even gives head with a lisp.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
