He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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