The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
