gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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