you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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