Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I miss vodka workout Fridays
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
