the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Randomize
