I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
