I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
