i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
