I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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