she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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