Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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