I am puke
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
