I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
