im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
