She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
