I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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