he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
