Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
