There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
