You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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