my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
