Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
