About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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