i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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