Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
We got so high we made milksteak
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
