walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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