Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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