hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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