I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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